Camp Porcupine


.....
GIRL
Hayyyy.
LUCY
....? Hi?
GIRL
You're, like, standing rite in the way, girl.
LUCY
Ah, shoot. Sorry.
I step aside, feeling embarassed. Sometimes when I go out for these walks in the park, I start daydreaming and stand in one place.
GIRL
You were like, blocking the path of women and children, haha. I'm gonna call you: The Goose!
LUCY
Ahahaha...
This long-haired girl, around my age, slightly taller than me... I have no idea who she is.
GIRL
Wanna get some coffee? I'll pay.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And now I'm having coffee with a stranger.
Both of us are drinking black.
This is so uncomfortable. I keep darting my eyes here and there, and back into my coffee cup. And she just keeps staring at me. I can't peel her eyes off.
She seems... extraverted.
Her tall figure is looming over me. She isn't that tall, but she feels tall. I can feel an entire force of expectation emanating from her.
What do I do? Where do I work? What am I interested in? What do I do with my free time? What are my future plans?
GIRL
It's kinda weird to think, like, that language is, like, a thing.
LUCY
Uhh... Sure.
GIRL
Cuz there are like, people that wanna abolish it.
LUCY
Abolish... language?
GIRL
Yeh, yeh. A subgroup of "primitivists." Well, at least they wanna get rid of written language. What dya think of that? Do ya ever wanna, like, just get rid of the whole alphabet?
LUCY
Well, that doesn't seem like a good idea to me. Why would you want to do that?
GIRL
Their argument is, like, technology is evil. And symbolism and abstraction contributes to the system of technology. Or symbolism and abstraction IS technology. Somethin' like that.
I take a sip of coffee.
LUCY
Well, I don't know. Maybe it's a good idea. I'm not an expert. My opinion on this isn't really relevant.
GIRL
O please! Your opinion matters as much as anyone else's!
LUCY
That's not true. Experts on, uh, linguistics or whatever probably have a better say here.
GIRL
Hah! Screw science n "expertise" n all that nonsense. Primitivism is, like, all about returning to our intuitive understanding of the world, ya feel? Tell me how ya feel!
LUCY
Well, I feel like we shouldn't abolish it. But... that's just because I'm used to having the alphabet. I don't really have any better reason than that.
GIRL
Come on, that's a great reason!
LUCY
...I don't think so. Just because something is normal doesn't mean it's good.
GIRL
I mean, like, how would your life change if suddenly no one was allowed to write anymore? Like say a "NO WRITING ALLOWED" rule was passed. Or, like, maybe everyone loses the ability to write. Do you think that would be good or bad for you?
Well... I guess I'm biased towards writing. Not in that I have some artistic appreciation of writing. It's just that, for example, whenever I have the option of calling someone or emailing them, I always choose the latter. I feel more comfortable posting in forums or talking in text chat than I do face to face.
LUCY
I think it would be pretty bad for me.
LUCY
But just because I wouldn't like it, doesn't mean it shouldn't happen. That would be pretty selfish.
GIRL
That depends on how important of a person you are.
LUCY
Well, I'm not important.
GIRL
Well, you're important to me.
LUCY
We just met.
GIRL
Hahaha. Have you heard that song by M2M?
LUCY
Huh?
GIRL
Don't say you love me~.
Youuuu don't even know me~.
Iiiif you really want me,
Then give me some time~.
GIRL
That's the chorus.
LUCY
Nice.
Some eyes turn towards us. She's singing way too loud.
Though it turns out that I do know that song. What a coincidence.
That's right. There was a "MapleStory Music Video" ("MMV") with it that I used to really like.
Dang, how long has it been since I played MapleStory. 10 years ago, at this point? I sunk a lot of time into that MMO. Honestly, I kind of blocked it out of my memory, but now it's all rushing back to me. The grinding wasn't fun, but the interactions with other players was. I remember riding the ship to Orbis, and stuff like that.
Right. My in-game friends used to call me "The Duke" because of my distinct personality. It was weird. It's weird to think I actually had a distinct personality once. Ugh, it's all coming back. So much happened in that game. Talk about being superior in text-based communication.
LUCY
So, do you think writing should be abolished then?
GIRL
Heck yea! DEATH TO ALL WRITING.
GIRL
Tho if we were abolishing it, I don't think we should do it overnight.
GIRL
Ah!
She lights up, as if she thought of something very clever.
GIRL
To get rid of the alphabet, we should phase it out little by little. AND, if we were going letter by letter, we should get rid of the dumb letters first, right?
GIRL
What's the dumbest letter? Q seems like the most dumb. I think Q doesn't do his homework. What a dummy.
GIRL
Next would be P. P doesn't seem like the type to read textbooks, at least, har, har, har.
GIRL
Also, X seems pretty dumb. Ah, but X seems like in the future they'd become, like, a scientist or something. I was too judgmental there. Sorry, X.
LUCY
...What?
GIRL
Well, actually, now that I think about it, maybe it's the other way around. Maybe we should keep the "dumb" letters and get rid of the smart ones. After all, from a primitivist perspective, it's the "smart" scientists and engineers that are contributing to the poison of technology.
GIRL
Ah, but I'd really hate to get rid of a letter. All letters are pretty cute. I can't even imagine having to get rid of Q. Q is QT! How about we get rid of the smart human beings, leave the average and dumb ones around? The eugenicist's worst nightmare! And we'll keep letters. BUT, let's ban writing. We'll ban writing and keep letters. Letters can exist as long as we don't use them to communicate, you know what I mean?
LUCY
Uh, ok. But what would would be the point of having letters if you couldn't use them?
GIRL
They're cute.
LUCY
........
GIRL
Maybe we can just appreciate letters for who they are, instead of using them as slaves for the sake of our communication.
GIRL
Heck, maybe we can even keep words, as long as they don't mean anything. Like "rude." I like the word rude. And I like dressing it up too: It looks cute in Georgia and funny in cursive. And I like how it sounds too. But who cares about what it means? I just like how it feels.
GIRL
Ah, here's another example that I adore. You have a notepad and pencil on you, rite?
LUCY
Err, yea.
..Why did she assume that I carry one?
In any case, I pull out a pencil and my memobook from my pocket and hand it to her.
While I sip coffee, she flips open to a random page, carefully writes something on it, rips it out and hands it back to me.
...........
LUCY
Nice handwriting.
The twinkle in this woman's eyes is insufferable.
Except, I immediately understand what she's getting at. Coincidentally, it's also the name of an old MapleStory youtuber (again, talk about being superior in text-based communication) but it's probably a common joke.
The joke of course is that, when written correctly, "BEVVBS" looks like "BEWBS". The two V's look like a W.
Presumably to bypass a censor. Or, online, it could work as a username. If "BEWBS" was already taken, this would be a way to "get" it without having to add some ugly numbers to the end, like "BEWBS696969" or whatever.
However, this girl is deliberately drawing attention away from that.
This girl made sure to keep the two V's distinct. There was nothing preventing her from writing "BEWBS" on the paper. In fact, "BEWBS" itself is a euphemism. There was nothing preventing her from going the distance and just writing "BOOBS" on the paper.
Originally, you are supposed to make the visual conversion BEVVBS -> BEWBS, followed by the phonetic conversion BEWBS -> BOOBS. Once you arrive at "BOOBS," you sniff air out of your nose and you're done.
But the twist is: BEVVBS in and of itself is inexplicably more alluring and attractive than both BEWBS and BOOBS, isn't it?
Everything gets flipped on its head. "BEVVBS" is no longer just a means to reach BOOBS. BEVVBS transcends its own ends, and the implication of BOOBS, rather than being the point, becomes a humorous tinge. The meaning of BEVVBS is secondary to how it is. BEVVBS isn't BOOBS. BEVVBS is BEVVBS. Or something.
LUCY
I suppose you're in the club that reads "deadmau5" as "dead mow five"?
GIRL
Absolutely!
GIRL
I always read words too literally.
GIRL
That may be because I'm a dummy. Dummies can't into symbolism and stuff.
GIRL
Yknow, actually, back when I was in middle school, I had a huge crush on this guy. We were both dead-mow-five fans.
LUCY
Ah, cool.
GIRL
Ugh.
LUCY
Heh, you look annoyed.
GIRL
You bet. I openly fawned over him all through middle school and up to, like, 9th grade. But he never reciprocated my feelings.
LUCY
Aw.
GIRL
Maybe I was like too forward? I'd literally say I love him and he'd act all disgusted and call me names.
Almost sounds like the guy was acting tsundere. But this apparently went on for years. That's surprising. I feel bad for her.
LUCY
That sucks. I'm sorry. Do you still see him?
GIRL
Nah. By high school, it became really clear he didn't want me around anymore. He'd openly call me things like "worthless whore" n stuff. I mean, we always had that kind of banter. But it started to sound more and more serious. And it just started to hurt a lot more. He never apologized or anything. He even started threatening to physically harm me.
LUCY
What the hell? That's straight up abusive.
GIRL
Well, it made my self-harm tendencies worse through high school.
LUCY
I'm sorry.
GIRL
Don't worry. I don't do it anymore. I stopped cutting a few years ago. But still not a day goes by where I don't think about him. It basically ruined my ability to get into serious relationships. I can't get over him.
LUCY
You don't hate him?
GIRL
O, I hate him alright! I despise him! If I saw him again, God, I'd do unspeakable things to him. I'd do all the awful stuff he threatened to do to me. Yeah I swear I'd fucking.... I'd carve his eye out with a spoon and rape him to death.
LUCY
What? He actually said that stuff to you? What a fuckface.
GIRL
Yeah. Ugh, I'm sorry! That prolly made you really uncomfortable!
LUCY
No, no, you're fine. Fuck him. I'm not even joking: If he actually threatened to do that and didn't take it back, he 100% deserves it to happen to him. That's karma. It sounds like you don't see him anymore though. That's good.
GIRL
Thanks for the support. And yeh, he disappeared after 9th grade. Honestly, tho, more than anything else, that was the worst part. He just left without any closure.
So after years of treating a girl like shit, threatening her, causing her to self-harm, this guy just fucking dips without any notice or apology? What the fuck. That's sociopathic behavior. I'm genuinely angry now.
GIRL
To think we used to ride the ship together and stuff, and now we just hate each other.
LUCY
What? The ship?
GIRL
God, I made so many cute nicknames for him haha, but they annoyed the hell out of him. Tho I think he secretly liked it when I called him "The Duke".
Wait, shit.
GIRL
But yea, one day, he logged off and never logged back on to our server. Oh, he was an online friend from an MMO, by the way. Forgot to mention that.
Shit!
GIRL
Anyway, after years and years of pent up frustration, I finally couldn't take it anymore.
GIRL
I thought, "I'm going to dox this guy, find out where he lives, and meet him face-to-face."
LUCY
O-oh, really? And, you went through with it?
GIRL
Yeh. That's why I came here. He's in this city.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
GIRL
And I've decided, when I find him, this time I won't hold back. I will get back at him. By force.
LUCY
B-by force, eh? What exactly is the plan there?
GIRL
Like I said, I'll carve his eye out with a spoon, and rape him to death.
No! No! No! No!
LUCY
You know, on second thought, I've heard that rape isn't too popular nowadays. There was like a Pew poll or something,
GIRL
Well like you said, he 100% deserves it. He shouldn't have said all those horrible things to me.
LUCY
W-well, that was so long ago. He's probably a more mature individual now! And he was probably joking, anyway.
GIRL
If he at least said goodbye; If he at least left behind some kind of contact information; If he didn't just leave out of nowhere with no notice, maybe it wouldn't have had to come to this.
LUCY
Woah, woah, woah. Listen, friend: Rape is a choice; as long as you're the rapist, not the rapee.
GIRL
Yknow what would be the worst? If he were a catfish. Like, hypothetically, what if he were actually a girl irl? Could you, like, imagine if the "boy" I fell in love with was actually a girl? Could you imagine the hypothetical confusion and hypothetical distress that'd cause to my mind?
LUCY
Ahahaha, that would be pretty hypothetically bad, wouldn't it? Jeez, what a hypothetical bitch. I almost understand the desire to hypothetically spoon-rape that hypothetical whore. But, in the end, revenge isn't worth it. Listen, sister, don't get hung up over a selfish, rotten, good-for-nothing catfish. There are other fish in the sea.
GIRL
Ahahaha, good one.
LUCY
Ahahaha, I surprise myself sometimes. In fact, that was unintentional.
GIRL
But you're right. There are other fish in the sea. Like the Bone Fish. or even the famous Pianus.
LUCY
Ahahaha, right? Though those names sound more like MMO enemies than actual fish. Perhaps you should have instead said "Common Carp", or "King Mackerel"
GIRL
Ahahaha, you're right. I was accidentally thinking of MapleStory. Thanks for the correction.
LUCY
No problem, no problem at all. Just wanted to help you with your fish knowledge, in case you were planning to become a Ickythickyologist or whatever it's called. Or, are you shooting for primitivist? Well, whatever "ist" you want to be, keep following your dreams. And by the way, I've never heard of this "Baple Smory" thing you're talking about. But you don't need to explain it to me. I'll look it up later. Anyway, I should get going now. I'll see you la--have a good one.
She suddenly grabs my hands.
LUCY
Woah, woah, cowgirl. This is a bit gay, isn't it?
GIRL
It's okay for girls to hold hands, Lucy.
LUCY
"Lucy" you say? Are you perchance getting me confused with someone else? We haven't exchanged names yet.
GIRL
Ahh, sorry! You just look like a Lucy to me. You know how I feel letters, rite? It's not like I doxxed you and found your name beforehand.
LUCY
Of course not, hahaha! And by the way, if you do end up raping that person, I'd suggest making it a quick, gentle rape. Got it? No spoons needed. And you DON'T have to kill them at the end. It'll be better for your conscience.
Her grip tightens.
GIRL
Yknow, on a second look, I think I have another fitting name for you. Like an alter ego type of name.
LUCY
Oh, r-really?
GIRL
Yea, wanna hear it?
LUCY
Not particularly interested at this moment.
GIRL
Come oooooooooon, Lucy. It's really badass.
LUCY
Haha, no need. And by the way, I still have yet to confirm nor deny that I bear the name Lucy.
GIRL
Hear me out, Lucy. I'm sure you will like this name. I'm sure you'll totally dig it. You'll think it's soooo edgy and cool.
LUCY
I'm not sure about that. I have a very refined aesthetic sense. Actually, they call me "Allison the Aesthete" And yes, my name is actually Allison. Allison Wong.
GIRL
Listen, Lucy,
Damn it! She has me by the balls! She had me by the balls from the beginning!
GIRL
If I were to give you an alternate name,
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
GIRL
Or, more specifically, a username...
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
GIRL
It'd be "DarkLukeX20"
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....
....
LUCY
Sorry, Aymeexo
Releasing my hands from her loosened grip, I gulp down the rest of my coffee.
LUCY
I should have at least said goodbye.